Coming out of the Spiritual Closet

Last year, I announced at the dinner table, that finally, after years of struggling and pretending, I was ready to embrace my impression of my spirituality.

That is, I was going to be honest about how I felt about god/God, spirits, meditation, images, symbols, synchronicity and let myself in for the ‘fruity loop’ comments of my peers and companions.

Why be honest about something so private?

There are two reasons for this. The first is that I dislike lying. I dislike hiding information. I have a repulsion for it. Personally, I feel cleaner and freer telling the truth, and being open about how I feel and what I see. If that means saying, spontaneously, ‘wow, look at that flower – isn’t it just an expression of purity?’ and it brings a laugh of embarrassment from my companions, I don’t mind. I can’t and don’t wish to repress the irrepressible at this stage.

Secondly, everyone is a bit wacky. That is, everyone has strange stories to tell, but they don’t tell them, because we don’t want to be laughed at, or thought of as kooky or different. So – if you are reading this, and you have a kooky story to tell, feel free. That’s why I came out of the closet, so you feel like nothing you can say will be weirder than what Tiffany is going to say.

And in this case, it takes one to know one.

With you in fruity loop land, and loving it.

Love and blessings

The Breaking of Illusion

The pieces are becoming one again. The past is rushing in to greet me. I feel like I am back at the beginning, before I knew it was the beginning.

I thought the first time it happened, it was like the breath of God. But it wasn’t. It was beauty, and easily accessible to my senses.

The first time it happened, the first time I felt a crash in my psyche and my view of the world was challenged, I was screaming and hating the world. I was violent, full of my self importance. I was in pain. I was inconsolable. I was five years old. I was throwing a tantrum.

A piece of me detached, and I can see myself in the room, screaming, my eyes puffy from tears, and I see myself looking at me with a certain disbelief. Is your will, so important? Is your insistence on the way life should be, worth that kind of energy?

I did it again, in a violent fight with my brother. Perhaps I was ten. The same madness, the same will, the same anger and frustration at ME, ME, ME. And the breaking away, and the split – so I could see through it all, even in the middle of it.

The break in my beliefs took a battering when I was 14. My parents left me with my grandmother without a second glance. The night I realised what had happened (in my view – that I was unwanted), I felt my adulation of my father dash to the ground. It broke my first and foremost ideal of relationships. I can not say I regained my balance with dignity. I fell down into the shadows and comforted myself with hate and judgement and curses.

And today, eating my own tail, looking back at the past – I am that I am. Without the breaking of the framework that we hold dear to us – we can not see what is. Our expectations stop us from seeing what is. Our ideals stop us from noticing what is really there. Our memories cloud the present. Our plans direct our vision away from the now into some distant future.

It hurts. Especially when you don’t know what is going on. Its painful to face the dreams we held dear become stamped on underfoot.

Perhaps we take it personally, and when someone disregards our dreams, our views, we can become offended and hurt and angry and vengeful. Its painful to live in such a manner.

But what is it we are searching for? More illusion? More images? There’s plenty where that came from.

I’m sitting with what is. The aliveness that exists in the present moment – without my petty frames and thoughtless systems – is the wonder moment.

Sutra I.12 reads,

Abhyasa-vairagyabhyam tan-nirodhah meaning:

HERE we abide in an sustained openness. When the mind is very clear, lucid, and empty, and open, then the innate brilliance, peace, and transpersonal wisdom can shine forth naturally. The sacred sound is heard -- the ambrosial nectar sipped.

Your Contribution

The Value of Money

When we get something for free, we don’t value it. When its easy, simple and free, its even harder to appreciate. Perhaps giving a dollar or two, for the posts you particularly like, will help you give value to someone’s spiritual sweat. It might not be a bad idea.

Where Does Your Gift Money Go?

Your financial donation goes towards helping me increase my time for study, practise and writing. Everything I learn, I share with everyone who is interested. Spiritual aspirants in our society are not supported in their life as they are in other cultures. I earn money by taking yoga/qigong/meditation classes on a donation basis. Everything I do relies upon your good will, and a supportive partner.

We live simple, practical lives. We give what time we can to other people in need. We don’t have money to spare, but we do have time and our expertise. My partner often ‘gives’ his time to support low-income operations by creating websites and increasing communication between like minds.

How Does What I Do Help?

What I write about is love, motivation and inspiration. I receive e mails weekly about how sharing my stories and growth with as much honesty as I can muster, has helped others on their spiritual path. Money can’t buy these things. Its something you can stumble upon while you’re staring at the gravel or while surfing on the net. It can be a pretty flower rising up against all odds, or a weird and wacky post that seems to be just what you were looking for.

Getting Involved In The Community

I write for the local newspaper here in Granollers. At the moment, I do it for free, because they can’t afford new writers in these times of financial strain. I love to share, anyway.

I’m currently offering private students an opportunity to learn yoga at a donation price of their own choice. This can even mean making me dinner, or bringing me a pot plant. The gift of yoga/meditation/qigong has no price tag.

I’m in the process of helping create a yoga community for Granollers. I’m trying to help bring the different yoga groups together under one banner so we can share the wealth of information we have with a wider audience.

To Sum Up

I have a lot of ideas, and your donation (created by 9-5 jobs!) help me express the vision of unity I see for us.

Please donate, even if it’s just a token of appreciation. Your kindness is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Judgment

How often have I felt the bitterness of judging others?

How long has it been going on?

Why did it start, and how has it stayed with me so long?

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your owneye?’ Mathew 7

Today I allow judgment to be released from my system.

Today, I am willing to change.

Today, I release the angry, arrogant judgemental thoughts I have.

I’m ready to let go of my frustration.

Judgement has had its purpose in my life. Its helped me to develop into the kind of person I wanted to be. Because of things I didn’t like, I could evolve into a person I do like, and respect.

Its not my place to think negative or hurtful things about anyone. It only causes me unhappiness and pain. I feel bitter and isolated and angry.

I allow kindness in. I allow people to be as they are, in freedom, to do as they do, without my judgment.

I allow light in, in the place of judgement.

I love the Lord God with all of my heart, with all of my mind, with all of my soul.

Where there is light, there is no room for darkness.

Where there is love, there is no room for hate.

Forgive me. Tiffany. Forgive me for holding on so long. Its time to say goodbye to another negative pattern.

And hello to light, love and happiness.

Amen

Mirror Mirror, On The Wall

Are we just looking into a mirror the whole time?

Is the world just showing back to us what we already believe?

Is that it?

So then, to know the reality, the truth, I guess the only thing to do is sit still. And see what is to be seen.

Its more than enough, without our own drama added to the story. But then, it’s the addiction to the drama, isn’t it, that traps you. It feels like there is no choice, but that, is a big fat lie.

Back to the mirror.

(Thanks for the Picture tip B!)